Have you ever prayed for patience and then found yourself STUCK in every line imaginable—at the bank, at the grocery store, on the freeway? Have you ever prayed for more faith and been hit with circumstances or situations impossible to believe or trust in G-D as love? It happens. Sometimes we wonder if G-D answers our prayers, I used to wonder, too. But now experience has taught me that G-D is always responding to me, even when I’m too full to listen.
It took me a while to realize that G-D wasn’t going to part the clouds and say anything about what I had asked or wanted to know. Instead, something would occur, which in hindsight I later recognized as G-D. It was only later reading the mystics that I came to understand G-D within me and therefore participating in every aspect of my life.
If you will recall last Sunday, I preached about our living in the kingdom of heaven right now and closed with a prayer modeling Mother Mary as she wondered to the angel Gabriel, how she could be pregnant without a husband. I prayed that we would come to know how Christ is within us; how we participate in Christ and Christ in us. I really don’t think I was ready for the answer, though!
Beginning that Sunday afternoon, I started to feel as if I was unraveling for no apparent reason. I was bouncing between feelings of “okay-ness” and then “not-so-okay.” Agitation and unjustified mood swings. I went an entire day without eating and drinking very little…which, I later recognized, made me feel worse. The following day was no better…nor the next. I felt psychically fractured and totally unwell with physical symptoms to boot. Then, came the “monkey mind.”
Like monkeys swinging from tree to tree, my chattering brain was everywhere all at once. I tried to sleep and couldn’t. Tried to meditate and couldn’t. So I headed for one of my favorite Psalms. At least hearing those words, helped me claim enough internal silence to do some reading. While reading, I discovered a reflection by Ilia Delio in which she spoke of the Love of G-D as an “energy” that drives all of creation; an energy that is closer than our next breath. Just those words led me to “JUST BREATHE” as I usually encourage others to do.
That’s when the insight hit me of self-love and self-care as Christ within me and as a pre-requisite to loving anything or anyone external to myself. Now, I know we all intellectually know this must be true—but when I experienced it in my soul, that’s when I knew it was true. The thought that came was, “and THAT is only ONE way that Christ is within you, Freda.” So ordinarily EXTRAORDINARY!
This led me to consider those of us who are used to going and doing for everybody else especially during the holidays. We may want to take note. There is no better love to offer, than the offer of your own precious self—your own loving, Christ-filled soul at rest and peace. Everything else you lovingly offer will be icing on the cake.
I am grateful for one answer to my prayer and expect to learn even more as time goes on. I must say though, I feel like I could have done without that mini-dark night-of-the-soul episode, Jesus. Or could I??? Either way I’m grateful for the means of Grace and hope of Glory.
With Light & Love,
Freda Marie+